Fostering Foibles 2: How Do You Handle a Runner?
Posted: Wednesday, August 12, 2009
by Jay Hopson
Denise was a runner. At fourteen, she'd been shuffled in and out of foster homes for two years. Very few foster families in our county would accept her, because of that reputation. Unhappy with her situation, she made life difficult for any family she lived with. Her counselors said she wasn't "buying into the foster care plan." She felt that if she was disruptive enough that no one would want her, she would get to go home. My partner, Sheila and I accepted her on a temporary basis, knowing the courts were finally agreeing that she would go home after a few months of intense counseling.
We had two dogs... a big yellow lab and a young black lab. They loved people and were good with the kids. Living in a big house with 12 bedrooms.. there was plenty of room for everyone, but, also room to move around without being seen. Upstairs that morning, I happened to look out the window and see Denise bicycling down the driveway towards the country road that led to town, both dogs loped playfully along behind, thinking an outing was in the making. I called to Sheila to watch the drama unfold. Once Denise reached the highway, she realized the dogs were with her.... stopped and yelled at them to go back, but that was not on their agenda. Becoming frustrated she picked up some small stones to throw at them... they were sure she wanted to play now! They fetched the stones for her.. running and jumping joyfully!
Steaming and undoubtedly cursing, she finally abandoned the bicycle to return the dogs to the house. We had a cage on the lower floor where we sometimes kept them. Sheila and I stayed out of sight as Denise quietly brought the dogs in to the cage. Then she was off again. We had our own plan though, and as she was just about to make it to the driveway where the bicycle was parked, I let the dogs out again. Spotting their playmate in the distance, they loped after her, frustrating her getaway once more. She finally gave up and brought the dogs back... kicked her bicycle tire and went to her room to pout. She was safe though, and at home. Nothing was ever said about how the dogs had gotten out.
Denise chose school, though, as her favorite avenue of escape. We lived about ten miles from town, and she realized quickly that if she rode the bus to town, she could simply walk off the school grounds and be closer to where she wanted to be. The police were called at least five times during the three months she was with us. We came to be on a first name basis with the whole police force! The first few times Denise ran away, I took it personally... feeling she was running away from us, but Sheila, who had been in fostering for fifteen years, told me it just wasn't so. She was running to something, not away from something.Of course that something was her own home with her own family.
We became quite familiar with the school vice principal, meeting sometimes more than once per week. These meetings would just amaze us all. Denise would sit through the first thirty minutes of the meeting showing no interest whatsoever, at one point she even put her head on the conference table and seemed to go to sleep. Then, she would wake up, seemingly get interested in what we were talking about and start getting animated about cooperating. The school offered option after option to try to make it work. She would agree to stay in class, leave the meeting and walk off the school grounds immediately. We finally got to where we would just wait for her to leave the school and pick her up and take her home, sometimes at the insistence of the police.
Finally, the school lost patience and pretty much expelled her. At this point, she was was nearly under house arrest with us.. not getting a ride to town unless there was a reason to take her... and there were some of those, as she was having counseling sessions every other day. Finally a week or so after her leaving the school, I suggested to Sheila that we give her a chance to earn back our trust. She had been in a really bad mood and instigating arguments with the other foster children constantly. Sheila agreed, so we offered her some options.... she could go into town to see her boyfriend for one hour the first time. If she met us at a prearranged spot on time, then the next time she could go for a longer period of time. Amazingly this started a path that finally seemed to work with Denise. We would always tell her exactly what we expected of her and communicate clearly with her.. and she learned step by step to work with us.
Steaming and undoubtedly cursing, she finally abandoned the bicycle to return the dogs to the house. We had a cage on the lower floor where we sometimes kept them. Sheila and I stayed out of sight as Denise quietly brought the dogs in to the cage. Then she was off again. We had our own plan though, and as she was just about to make it to the driveway where the bicycle was parked, I let the dogs out again. Spotting their playmate in the distance, they loped after her, frustrating her getaway once more. She finally gave up and brought the dogs back... kicked her bicycle tire and went to her room to pout. She was safe though, and at home. Nothing was ever said about how the dogs had gotten out.
Denise chose school, though, as her favorite avenue of escape. We lived about ten miles from town, and she realized quickly that if she rode the bus to town, she could simply walk off the school grounds and be closer to where she wanted to be. The police were called at least five times during the three months she was with us. We came to be on a first name basis with the whole police force! The first few times Denise ran away, I took it personally... feeling she was running away from us, but Sheila, who had been in fostering for fifteen years, told me it just wasn't so. She was running to something, not away from something.Of course that something was her own home with her own family.
We became quite familiar with the school vice principal, meeting sometimes more than once per week. These meetings would just amaze us all. Denise would sit through the first thirty minutes of the meeting showing no interest whatsoever, at one point she even put her head on the conference table and seemed to go to sleep. Then, she would wake up, seemingly get interested in what we were talking about and start getting animated about cooperating. The school offered option after option to try to make it work. She would agree to stay in class, leave the meeting and walk off the school grounds immediately. We finally got to where we would just wait for her to leave the school and pick her up and take her home, sometimes at the insistence of the police.
Finally, the school lost patience and pretty much expelled her. At this point, she was was nearly under house arrest with us.. not getting a ride to town unless there was a reason to take her... and there were some of those, as she was having counseling sessions every other day. Finally a week or so after her leaving the school, I suggested to Sheila that we give her a chance to earn back our trust. She had been in a really bad mood and instigating arguments with the other foster children constantly. Sheila agreed, so we offered her some options.... she could go into town to see her boyfriend for one hour the first time. If she met us at a prearranged spot on time, then the next time she could go for a longer period of time. Amazingly this started a path that finally seemed to work with Denise. We would always tell her exactly what we expected of her and communicate clearly with her.. and she learned step by step to work with us.
Finally the week came that Denise was to go home. When she learned of this, she was ecstatic, and hugged us both, telling us we were the best foster parents ever. We had a little conversation at that point, and it came out that a year earlier, Denise had told a friend of hers at school some things about herself that had gotten all over the school. She was being called names and ridiculed by many of her classmates. Finally, the reasons for her behavior were revealed. What numerous counselors and psychologists had been unable to learn came out freely, once Denise knew we were on her side... that we wanted her to be able to go home.
Denise is now back with her family, and will be starting school in a different city this fall. She still has the issues that teenagers always have, and perhaps a little more baggage than some, but her future looks bright.
There were many times during our fostering of Denise that I'd thrown up my hands and wanted to give up. I am so glad that Sheila had the patience and the understanding to know that if we held out, in the end it would work. For all of you foster parents out there, my hat is off to you. Don't give up! The child you set on the right course will thank you some day, and in the mean time. THANK YOU, from me.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)A very touching and heart warming story - and where would you all have been without those labs? Dogs, troubled kid and 2 adults with hearts big enough to care! Loved it!Thank you, MarijoIt was rewarding, for sure.
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